There comes a time in every man’s life when he wants to take his relationship to the next level. To get serious, to knuckle down, to kick things up a notch. Yes that’s right, you want to take her to a sports match.

This is a move that shouldn’t be rushed into, however, with Valentine’s Day hurtling past like an expectant lady shaped meteorite now is the time to be constructing your water tight game plan.

Take it from a bloke who spent three hours making obscure football jokes on a disastrous date at Dairy Farmers Stadium as a pimply 15 year old, nothing short of a Grand Final like preparation will suffice.

For starters you’ll need to consider the timing of said match, as like a good halfback you’ll need to time your run to perfection. If you are going to attempt the Hail Mary play via a Valentines sporting night out you’ll need to tread very, very carefully.

Whilst V-day for blokes is akin to a 2am week night Asian Champion’s League pool match, for the ladies its Bledisloe meets Melbourne cup. Botch it and they will forever be moaning like that bloke down the pub who still hasn’t gotten over Benny Elias hitting the crossbar in the ’89 Grand Final.

Picking your sport is just as important.

Whilst your lady friend may be more than happy to watch a couple of pretty boy millionaires ponce about at the Aussie Open for hours on end, she’ll be making a beeline for RSVP.com after 20mins of watching the dish lickers go round at Dapto Showground.

Don’t be fooled by the fact that ‘she loves watching [insert sport of choice here] on telly.’ You’re only kidding yourself my friend.

Whilst you’re perched on the edge of your lounge oblivious to the outside world she’s absent mindedly checking Facebook, wishing you wouldn’t wear your footy shorts on the leather lounge and only really looking up to humour you when your team scores so you’ll agree to go out to brunch with her Great Aunt Ethel the following day.

Have an honest think about what your average sports outing entails. How aesthetically pleasing is your local ground?

Believe it or not the vast majority of women are missing the gene that makes them enjoy standing at the top of the hill on an upturned milk crate, surrounded by Reg Ragen’s extended family in the middle of winter.

How long does the game actually go for (hint: take game time and multiply by 3). And what are the chances of something happening in, say, the next thirty seconds?

What you’ll be starting to realise is that each sport has its pros and cons. Your best option is to heavily talk up the positives of your desired sport.

For instance, sure an MMA bout might feature gut-twisting violence and more testosterone than Chuck Norris’ moustache-but gee the chairs are comfy (note: don’t sit in the first five rows, you will get wet).

The rugby codes and Aussie Rules all offer some great distractions, whether it’s checking out blokes in their meat-hanger shorts or making constructive commentary (i.e. narky comments) about the cheerleaders hair extensions.

All day at a Shield match? Great tanning weather!

An A-league kick-about? The team sheets are like a better edited Lonely Planet!

Funnily enough the good old NBL, Australian sport’s red haired step-child, can come through with the goods for you here. You’ve got a seat. Music. A couple of dance numbers. Tall, dark and handsome athletes.

The NBL also has teams you’ve only vaguely heard of so you’re less likely to need to be restrained by security from jumping on court and decking the ref. Best of all, it’s air-conditioned!

At the end of the day though all you can do is take things one step at a time, think about what you’re trying to achieve, give 110% and try not to carry on like a rabid honey badger during the course of the match.

If however, you are planning to take things even further and propose to your significant other on your sporting date… then may God have mercy on your soul.

@Vic_Arious